Worthy of Self

I’ve never claimed to know anything about anything else. I sometimes say things that I believe in and other times I say things that I think or otherwise have an opinion on. Those are sometimes wrong. Often times, I’m wrong, and I’m okay with that. I learn from it and I take it under serious consideration. I think I make a lot of mistakes, because well, I have to in order to evolve. I don’t think thats a bad thing, but what I do think is it can be exhausting. Lately I’ve felt overwhelmed. A little in a good way, and a little in a bad way. I can really feel my life taking me in a better direction than its ever been, and at the same time I feel emotionally nostalgic and reminded of everything that led me here.

I suppose moving forward is often accompanied by looking back. Just to be clear, I don’t mean looking back in any sense of regret or wishful thinking. I mean looking back in the way you look at a photo album, or read old letters. The kind of thing you do on a rainy day, or when you find out a friend is getting married. Specific example, but not literal. I guess I think it’s a good thing. To feel this way about my life moving forward and to be able to contrast it with my past. At least I think that’s what that means. As I said, I’m wrong sometimes.

With every new chapter and every new adventure though you’re reminded of the past ones, which is probably where I’m at. I think the difference between coming out of that reflection okay and succumbing to its depths is acceptance. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions and letting yourself absorb the weight of it, at least for a moment. I guess now is as good a time as any.

I can confidently say that where I am now is the happiest and proudest place I have been. With that being said, I miss some of the people I used to be good friends with. The ones who were there for me when things were difficult, or the ones who stood by my side when I felt alone. I don’t miss a few of the people I used to know, but they helped get me here. I miss some of the places I used to go to. I don’t miss my shitty former jobs.  I miss not feeling as though I need to be busy every second of every day. I don’t miss feeling directionless. Most of all, I miss my dad. I barely knew him, and I wont get a chance to fix that, but I feel okay now.

I am okay. I’m better than okay, and I’m not afraid of that anymore. To be alright, to survive, to be happy. Those things used to be so fucking terrifying. Like I did them, but I hated them, and thought I didn’t deserve them. Until I discovered a hidden truth. I do deserve them, so do you, and so does everyone. It can be hard to accept, but you have to.

Thanks for walking with me down this road.

Sorry for my language.

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