Everything is eventual and everything takes time. That is something that sounds both incredibly pretentious but is incredibly true. It is also something that I very much agree with and believe in. The pretentiousness as well as the validity of the statement. I would like to say something like “Hey guys, I know you missed me!” or “I’m finally back y’all, no more wondering!”. However I know that none of you wondered or missed me. For that matter, I know for a fact that nobody even noticed. Which is actually alright with me because it is very low pressure and makes writing this much easier, seeing as it will most likely go unnoticed as well.
My last post was a while ago, but my last post that was actually noticed by anyone was THIS long ago (I apologize for the capitals, but it makes hyper-linking more fun). I would like to point out that it is my grandma that wrote the only comment on that post, and isn’t that the sweetest damn thing? It is. There you go. Despite the length of time between that post and this post, I do feel as though I lost something of myself as I stopped posting here, whether or not anyone was noticing. Nothing crazy significant like my mind or anything. Just a little bit of drive and or motivation. I mean, lets reflect for a second here.
At the time that I was running this website religiously (sorry mom), I was also writing a book, actively making music and also running a youtube channel (not WELL mind you but still doing it). Since then I have not written the sequel, I have made some music, but the youtube channel is otherwise defunct and this website is a sham I say, A sham! Not that I don’t think that despite my absence it still looks and functions nice. Because it does, and you cannot tell me any different because I will fight you. Though you must understand first that my version of fighting is sincerely different than most peoples. Mine consists of ignoring you rather intently while simultaneously checking in to make sure you aren’t still mad at me.
The point I assume that I am dancing around, is that I need structure in my life. Something that I have proven to myself time and time again though in every other facet of my life. Professional, personal and no creative. I have structure on a lot of things that I didn’t in the past and think that maybe now I can engage in the things that truly motivate me and make my heart sing (cheesy, very very cheesy). For instance I want to finish writing my follow up book (maybe actually publish the first one though hm?). I want to make more music,
I want to work on my YouTube channel, I want to do it all. Most importantly I want to keep this website from disappearing (I mean I am paying for it after all).
The truth is, life did to me as it does to all, it got in the way. I found myself absorbed in things that both mattered but also didn’t need me to put all other things to the wayside and I got distracted. As well though, I got a job that I thought I wanted, got let go from that job and then had the time to work on these things. Instead however I worked on myself. Something that everyone should get the chance to do a couple times a year (not the getting let go part, just the self work). I realized I can’t drink regular coffee anymore, decaf all the way, and I also finally started putting effort into my fitness. On top of all that I’m reading again and am actually engaged in the world around me. My anxiety is essentially under control. Something I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to celebrate. It was never out of control per se but it was always cropping up and annoying me, so here here to its demise!
With all that though, I do have to say… I have missed you, all of you, whoever has dared read this far into my wandering words and trembling typeface. I really have. I say that I create for you, for me, though maybe I haven’t been faithful to that. In my defence I would like to say that I have been incredibly busy, though I know that that is only true to a certain extent and expectation of that word. So to you I make a promise. I promise to be busy, whether it be working, or living, but never be it an excuse and I wager my life on that. Because a life worth living is a life well lived, and a life well lived is worth like all of the dollars you could ever imagine or whatever man (Damn, almost had it).
Thanks for listening.. er… reading, and please stick around, because though I might not be as much of a mess as I used to; theres still messes to be made, of me and of you, for you, for me.