Strange and Untrue

Do you ever put on a sad song just to feel the melancholy vibe through you? Replay an episode of your favourite television show that you know will make you cry? Reminisce about long lost friends or loved ones? I think we all do this. In one varying way or another. In an effort to feel something we maybe think is farther away than it actually is. For instance, if life is great and purely happy, then sometimes we just want to feel sad. I think its a natural way for someone to remind themselves that they are human.

I think what I’m really trying to get at though, is that I thought there was something wrong with me for a long time. I used to think it was an error in my code that made me want to feel sad, and to be fair for a long time it wasn’t in a healthy way. Now as an adult however; its a good thing to let your emotions run free. Within reason obviously.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. I want to get to the real core of the issue here. At what point does this melancholy reflection become a problem? I guess I mean that in personal experience I have let it negatively affect my life before and impact loved ones. It hasn’t been that way for a long time thankfully, but I suppose I just wonder if anyone else thinks about this at all.

You could call this a late night ramble. I just found myself in that magical loop today and asked myself a question.

“Who else does this?”

I figured a lot could relate. So I brought this to you.

Now I have one last thing to say. Despite my ramblings, I do have an answer to my question.

We all do this. To feel happy, to feel sad, to feel anger. To grow, and to see how far we’ve grown. To remember the ones that got us here, to mourn the ones who slipped away. It gives us the chance to be one with who we are now, and who we were then, and even who we will be. I regret a lot, I feel a lot and I miss a lot. I love a lot, I hate a lot and I’m indifferent to a lot. I’ll never be perfect, and that’s perfectly alright with me. I made my mistakes, and I’ll make more. I have friends and loved ones who accept me, and I accept them. I’m happy, and sometimes I like to feel the sadness. Because without it, I don’t think I’d know what the other thing felt like.

“All this feels strange and untrue, and I wont waste a minute without you”

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Proving Grounds

To step into the ring of life is something forced upon everybody the day they’re born. To actually stand up and fight is something else entirely. That is a personal choice you come to on your own. Based upon early childhood experiences and your upbringing. It can be an uphill climb for some people, or the only option they have.

I personally feel as though I always had to have a bit of fight in me, yet it still took me time to really start swinging. Even now I catch myself relaxing, or slowing down, and have to correct that as I notice it. That isn’t to say that you cant take breaks or pause. It means different things to every person. To me, it means that I need to keep moving forward. There are things in all of our lives that can hold us back and keep us down, the point is to supersede those things and achieve.

That is not always something so simple as just “Getting up”. In those instances, its important to have a reason. Find your own reason and use that to push you. I have my own, which you can probably infer from the writing, or even my honest answers. The point I’m trying to make, is that life is a battle ground, and everyone has a part to play.

I feel like I’ve been raised to be strong, to fight and to win. Therefore I will. It’s still a struggle within, between my desire to rest and my need to fight. I hope I’m able to stoke the fire well enough to accomplish my goals. Although I suppose we all have to make concessions in the end. Here’s to hoping for fewer internal compromises and grander victories.

Life is an empty book as well, and each of us is a story teller, write something beautiful.

Making Friends…

As I write this, I’m sitting in the back of a cab on my way home after a few pre-Birthday beverages with my best friend. It wasn’t super planned or anything, it was a fairly spontaneous event. Decided on in the last hour of our work shift while preparing to leave for the day. The cab driver is playin baroque music and I’m feeling a pretty good vibe right now. 

My birthday isn’t until Sunday, yet we met up for a bit tonight because my originally planned Saturday night birthday fun had to be postponed. Due to life circumstances, such as my best friends sister having a baby. Damn, birthday theft is hard, especially when it’s done by a newborn. You just can’t get mad at them! 

That wasn’t the only struggle of the week though. It has been a harder one, and I admit I felt pretty low, very disappointed at times this week. However now, as I stand in my doorway with my batman balloon and new lantern and shirt; I can’t help but feel blessed. This is the first year in a long time where I’ve had personal friends who care about my birthday. I’m talking the ones outside of your family and not your partner. I work with both of my friends, and somehow we manage not to piss each other off. 

It’s a rarity that you have a best friend that you can work with, but somehow I’ve been blessed with that. It’s been over two years now, and a new person has entered the workplace. For the first time in the two years we’ve worked there, she fits in, and we’ve sort of adopted her. It’s less two friends and a third wheel now and more three musketeers. How far we’ve come! 

For a long time I didn’t feel worthy of friendship, or as though I couldn’t handle it. I still feel that way sometimes, or find myself thinking that I shouldn’t bother to put in the effort. It’s nights like this, and days like today, where everything goes right and you can’t help but smile; that I feel as though I might finally be doing that thing I always thought I missed out on. 

*See title* 

Came Back Haunted

Alice woke up at the time she had grown accustomed to. It was 8:45 in the morning and the space in the bed beside her was empty, as she had grown accustomed to. It hadn’t always been like that, and wouldn’t much longer be that way. She rolled over in bed and stared at the calendar across from her. Today was the day he came home. It was marked in a black marker and she had memorized the date. Alice hopped out of bed quickly, with a grace and elegance that could only have been rehearsed carefully. Bounding into the ensuite washroom, she leaped into the shower, and began getting ready for the day.

Continue reading “Came Back Haunted”

moneyXtime

A trend Ive noticed for myself personally is a sort of catch and release situation. In the way of, I save money for something, spend the money and then have to save up again. Alternatively it can go more like spend a large amount on credit, then pay it off, lather rinse repeat. The thing about this seems to be that while its avoidable, its a way of life. We as humans are constantly doing it. I know I am.

With that said, whats the solutions? I feel as though its becoming the kind of thing where we as a society don’t like doing things with our time that doesn’t result in money. I myself feel that pull. Its where art can become a confliction at times. I work a full time day job, as I’m sure all of you do too, and then in my off hours i spend many of my free hours creating art. That art has made me zero dollars, but i spend as much time on it as i could on a full time job. So where on earth is the payoff?

I think for me that payoff is in finishing something that your’e proud of, creating something thats beautiful and completely your own design. Yet, at some point isn’t the point of that to make a living? If that isn’t the endgame then what is your time being used for? Im not saying that you cant do these things purely for enjoyment without any desire for fame or fortune. Im merely wondering how that spent time weighs out in comparison. That famous quote exists for a reason ‘If your’e good at something never do it for free’. I agree with that.

So then, as people who are talented and or gifted, why are we always spending our time for zero compensation? Isn’t that just doubling down on a loss? If the banks started asking you to pay $5 for every transaction you made using your card, would it be worth it in the end? I personally love spending my time on my art, and i get endless satisfaction from it. Although, I would definitely love to turn what is currently a hobby, into a career.

Also, I know not everyone wants to make money on their art. That too is acceptable.

Taking Steps

I think that like anything, failure is something we can find ourselves accustomed to. I don’t mean to say in the way of accepting failures; but more in the sense of never reaching for something greater, because we accept that we wont succeed. I think I became incredibly comfortable in that realm of acceptance. Became the type of person who wouldn’t reach unless I knew I could fail safely. Didn’t take any risks unless I knew there was a backup plan. I don’t think this is a great way to live.

Thankfully, I’ve found myself slowly but surely digging my way out of that. Like any comfort zone it gets difficult to truly pull yourself from the depths, yet as with most things, it only gets easier the more you actually do it. Though I may seem to be preaching I’m still no daredevil, though I would argue that I’m at least making choices. That in the end is the hardest part I think. Making the choices that actively put you out of your comfort zone and force you to sink or swim.

Without that knee jerk reaction towards survival the human race itself would never have evolved to this point. Let alone me evolving to a level of actually being able to follow through on something. Heres to taking steps, may all of you push yourselves towards something outside your comfort zone. Find that place that you dream of reaching and reach, reach, reach until you grasp.

All That Gold

I think that one of the most precious resources we have in this world is art. I mean, how many times do you find yourself turning to art? I myself can come up with a lengthy list. I mean who can’t? With that being said, I choose to look at art as something even more precious than gold. The only difference really being that you can create it in your basement, your spare room, your friends living room and even in no room at all.

I worry that people are becoming too easily dissuaded from creating. There is such a huge amount of art circulating out there that one might find it daunting to even think about creating something and putting it out into the crowded sea of everyone else’ work. Which I understand completely. I’m pretty afraid of it too. I mean, here I sit having just finished writing my first novel, and I have no idea what to do next. It’s worse then that though, I haven’t even told that many people. Which maybe is a good thing? I don’t know.

What I do know, is that you can’t stop creating. You have to keep going and keep doing it. Treat it like the drug you cant live without, or the support structure you rely on. No matter what just do it. Thats the one thing I’ve become absolutely certain of. Will I ever become a successful author, a famous actor, or anything related to the art world? I hope so. Should the countless possible end results affect my present dedication to my passions?

Absolutely not.

I mean what do i really know though right? This is just what works for me. Find your own thing, stick to it, love it, and live it. Please. For you.