Post.Hiatus/post.readME

Everything is eventual and everything takes time. That is something that sounds both incredibly pretentious but is incredibly true. It is also something that I very much agree with and believe in. The pretentiousness as well as the validity of the statement. I would like to say something like “Hey guys, I know you missed me!” or “I’m finally back y’all, no more wondering!”. However I know that none of you wondered or missed me. For that matter, I know for a fact that nobody even noticed. Which is actually alright with me because it is very low pressure and makes writing this much easier, seeing as it will most likely go unnoticed as well.

My last post was a while ago, but my last post that was actually noticed by anyone was THIS long ago (I apologize for the capitals, but it makes hyper-linking more fun). I would like to point out that it is my grandma that wrote the only comment on that post, and isn’t that the sweetest damn thing? It is. There you go. Despite the length of time between that post and this post, I do feel as though I lost something of myself as I stopped posting here, whether or not anyone was noticing. Nothing crazy significant like my mind or anything. Just a little bit of drive and or motivation. I mean, lets reflect for a second here.

At the time that I was running this website religiously (sorry mom), I was also writing a book, actively making music and also running a youtube channel (not WELL mind you but still doing it). Since then I have not written the sequel, I have made some music, but the youtube channel is otherwise defunct and this website is a sham I say, A sham! Not that I don’t think that despite my absence it still looks and functions nice. Because it does, and you cannot tell me any different because I will fight you. Though you must understand first that my version of fighting is sincerely different than most peoples. Mine consists of ignoring you rather intently while simultaneously checking in to make sure you aren’t still mad at me.

The point I assume that I am dancing around, is that I need structure in my life. Something that I have proven to myself time and time again though in every other facet of my life. Professional, personal and no creative. I have structure on a lot of things that I didn’t in the past and think that maybe now I can engage in the things that truly motivate me and make my heart sing (cheesy, very very cheesy). For instance I want to finish writing my follow up book (maybe actually publish the first one though hm?). I want to make more music, I want to work on my YouTube channel, I want to do it all. Most importantly I want to keep this website from disappearing (I mean I am paying for it after all).

The truth is, life did to me as it does to all, it got in the way. I found myself absorbed in things that both mattered but also didn’t need me to put all other things to the wayside and I got distracted. As well though, I got a job that I thought I wanted, got let go from that job and then had the time to work on these things. Instead however I worked on myself. Something that everyone should get the chance to do a couple times a year (not the getting let go part, just the self work). I realized I can’t drink regular coffee anymore, decaf all the way, and I also finally started putting effort into my fitness. On top of all that I’m reading again and am actually engaged in the world around me. My anxiety is essentially under control. Something I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to celebrate. It was never out of control per se but it was always cropping up and annoying me, so here here to its demise!

With all that though, I do have to say… I have missed you, all of you, whoever has dared read this far into my wandering words and trembling typeface. I really have. I say that I create for you, for me, though maybe I haven’t been faithful to that. In my defence I would like to say that I have been incredibly busy, though I know that that is only true to a certain extent and expectation of that word. So to you I make a promise. I promise to be busy, whether it be working, or living, but never be it an excuse and I wager my life on that. Because a life worth living is a life well lived, and a life well lived is worth like all of the dollars you could ever imagine or whatever man (Damn, almost had it).

Thanks for listening.. er… reading, and please stick around, because though I might not be as much of a mess as I used to; theres still messes to be made, of me and of you, for you, for me.

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A Song to Cry To

This is my fourth attempt at writing this line. I think thats because I strongly dislike starting the conversation. Even here, by myself, to a potentially non-existent audience. Which is a very good point as well right? If there is no audience then why write. I am sure some of you are asking why I write these at all. Maybe I bore you, or maybe my writing is boorish. Either way. For those of you actually reading this, thank you. Oh, and I probably like you. Maybe a lot, or maybe only a little. Part of that is because you’re choosing to read this instead of something else which would probably be more rewarding.

Something I like to do a lot is make statements. I also love asking questions. However if any of you were to ask me whether or not I enjoy either of those you’ll probably get a response similar to “No, I don’t like either of those. Why?”.  Which is an entirely perfect example of who I am. At least at this exact moment or at least who I pretend to me. Its kind of fucked really. (Sorry mom, bad language is bad.)

The truth is, while I claim to dislike people, conversation and small talk. I actually like those things. Its probably some deep seated fear of abandonment or failure that prevents me from reaching out or actually participating. I’m trying though, and learning and growing (you know, grown up stuff). This really does feel kind of syrupy and sweet though doesn’t it? As if I’m writing some tell-all in the hopes that any one of you will relate and think that I’m interesting. Unless that comment is just me self-deprecating in the hopes of also relating and hooking you in because of some twisted fascination you may have with people who talk too much about feelings.

Regardless. There was a point to me starting this thing, and even a point to the title. If you bare with me I’m sure we will make it that far.

Okay.

I guess I just wanted to paint a picture. It’s sometimes thought of that crying is a sign of a weakness or sadness or any other thing that is anything other than beautiful. I disagree with that. A lot, and for specific reasons. As I’m sure a lot of you know, its an incredible release of emotional build up and can be extraordinarily therapeutic. Also, Its healthy. Whether you’re genuinely sad or not, its sometimes just the thing you need. I don’t necessarily mean that you should garner a habit for it and stock up on kleenex. Just that maybe if for some reason you feel a pull in that direction maybe you follow it.

I myself fight it, instinctually. Sometimes it seeps through and other times its bottled.  Either way, something I appreciate as I grow older (cliché, I know) is when you find a song that just splits your heart open and eases out those tears. I’m sure every one can relate to that. Thanks for listening, or reading I suppose.

Life is exactly what you make it. The only things truly in your control are your actions. and your reactions.

Sorry if I come off as pretentious. I promise that in life I’m more deer in the headlights and less modern day wanna be philosopher.

 

Group/Activity_README

Being a part of a group is a magical experience. No matter what kind of group you’re in it’s an experience and it contains magic if you’re willing to look. And by that I definitely mean being the creepy guy at the end of the table who watches everyone else interact. It’s wholesome and fantastic! Always. It never fails. Unless you get engrossed in an interesting and captivating conversation, then you’re screwed. Or maybe then you’re actually participating. But isn’t that overrrated. I mean really, you could be watching the events unfold instead of actually being involved. Wait… that could be the anxiety talking. 

Hold on. My point makes sense. What I’m saying is that a group dynamic is intriguing. You have a varying collection of thoughts and personalities all colliding in a giant melting pot where we all contribute different aspects of our culture towards a larger gain. Right? Isn’t that what America was built on? Or maybe that’s too trumped up of a statement. My point still stands. When you have the opportunity to be present at a group event, you should do it. Worst case scenario you make a new friend or learn something new. 

As my dad always said “pour me another beer” but seriously, as my dad always said “pour me another beer”. So in the wise words of my father whom I love. 

Pour me another beer, kid. 

Also, I need to get back to my group event now. I’ve been very absent through writing his. 

Post_Vacation_Bliss.exe

I’ve never really taken a vacation before. I mean, not one that was longer than a weekend and in a country other then the one I live in. Not one that I can recall while I sit here and type this anyways. Which is fine, because I’d rather have gone on few amazing vacations instead of many mediocre ones. Which is just my way of justifying a lack of vacationing I suppose. Its like when people say that its not how many friends you have its the quality, they’re just ashamed that they aren’t likeable enough to have more friends (I’m joking). I think I jut never thought I really deserved to take a vacation because I never really felt like I worked that hard to have earned one. I don’t feel that way now. About the vacation I just took at least.

It was time anyways, my partner and I have been together almost four years and had never had a real vacation and after the last year of endless hard work we just went through it was hard earned and well deserved. I mean she works hard, very hard. I suppose I don’t like, save lives or anything, but a friend once told me that its all perspective. For instance, I serve coffee at my day job and do freelance writing in my nights. You could argue that with the coffee I provide, I am saving lives. That isn’t to say that I’m on the frontline of salvation armed with percolated glory and a sling of holy coffee beans. Though it is to say that maybe that old yarn about “Give me my coffee before I snap” could be true for someone on a specific morning and I’m the one postponing the breakdown. Either way.

I don’t actually believe that I save lives, but I do believe that I at times have the ability to make a difference in someones day. Even if I’m just a blip on the radar, which is okay with me believe me, I think I leave a mark. Now I want to clarify that I don’t mean leave a mark like a lasting legacy and they’ll tell stories of my wisdom at the campfire to the younglings before bed. Just that maybe they’ll smile and think for a second that the day isn’t bleak and the end is a little more distant seeming than the horizon (Which isn’t me saying the end is nigh, we’ve probably got another ten years at least, or twelve).

The strange thing about vacationing to me is that you leave your home, go somewhere new to you (or familiar) and you live like you would if you weren’t restrained by work or obligations. The reason why I find that strange is that if we really wanted to I think a lot of us could live like we want a little more frequently in the place that we do call home. Not to be little the vacationing aspect of life, I do love it dearly, I just think that we may idolize a concept that can be applied more directly to everyday life. I mean think about it, maybe your idea of a good time is to climb way up into the alps or ski down a mountain in the freezing cold at break neck dangerous speeds (I’m not a skier, can you tell?). Then of course you cant just do that on a whim because your day job felt extra boring on a Tuesday. Maybe though, we can do more of the little things daily that make us smile and keep us happy instead of postponing them for that big trip you’ve been planning for two years and haven’t saved up enough for yet. Just a thought.

Regardless of what works for you, you should do it. For me, a vacation seems to have worked at least a little bit. The inner monologues have slowed down to a reasonable pace and the hordes of people I share this world with don’t seem quite as intimidating as usual. Maybe now I can get back to being productive in a creative way more frequently. I mean I do love money (money money money) but I should spend more of my time doing the things I love. So without dragging this thing out into a rally or a Ted talk. Lets all raise a glass of whatever you’re drinking as you read this and toast to love, dreams and whatever it is that makes us tick (unless its illegal, then cut it out you cheeky monkey).

Also, one last thing, never gamble. Even when you win, you wind up losing. Unless you win big, like really big, then always gamble and always win.

 

After The HoliDaze. 

Once we’ve all had our fill of Christmas dinners, presents, and family traditions. It’s time to sober up from the holiday buzz that overcomes us all. Whether you get drunk off the gift giving and holiday cheer, or just the eggnog, it’s a great time to take some self inventory. Did you get what you wanted out of the season? 

If your answer is an all around resounding “Yes!” Then I’m proud of you and happy for you! If. It’s not, then why is that? Keep in mind I’m not a therapist or counsellor so I’m not trying to get in your head or solve your emotional problems. I’m trying to open a dialogue. Something I always used to get hung up on was personal satisfaction. 

I mean that in a specific way such as, I would only ever find it if I managed to make everyone else as happy as I could over the holidays. Then I’d second guess myself and wind up miserable. It didn’t matter if I KNEW that I did a good job of gift giving or spreading holiday cheer, it would somehow get twisted. 

There’s no real solution to this that I can offer you, so instead, this is what I’ve been doing. Try and understand what you’re capable of accomplishing, and then what you’d like to accomplish. If those don’t line up, then adjust your perspective. It isn’t possible to make every single person on your list perfectly happy. Yet it is possible to do the best you can and feel good about it. 

As we trek through the last week of this very curious epidemic we know as 2016, don’t get hung up on the holidays. Look forward to the next chapter or the next project. Even the next holiday if that’s your bread and butter. Either way, acknowledge that you did your best, and you’re loved no matter how many gifts you brought to the tree, or how many hours you had to work through this season. 

It’s sometimes hard to fathom, but we’re all doing a little better than we’re feeling. 

Happy holidays, may you have a peaceful and love filled end to the year. 

Strange and Untrue

Do you ever put on a sad song just to feel the melancholy vibe through you? Replay an episode of your favourite television show that you know will make you cry? Reminisce about long lost friends or loved ones? I think we all do this. In one varying way or another. In an effort to feel something we maybe think is farther away than it actually is. For instance, if life is great and purely happy, then sometimes we just want to feel sad. I think its a natural way for someone to remind themselves that they are human.

I think what I’m really trying to get at though, is that I thought there was something wrong with me for a long time. I used to think it was an error in my code that made me want to feel sad, and to be fair for a long time it wasn’t in a healthy way. Now as an adult however; its a good thing to let your emotions run free. Within reason obviously.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. I want to get to the real core of the issue here. At what point does this melancholy reflection become a problem? I guess I mean that in personal experience I have let it negatively affect my life before and impact loved ones. It hasn’t been that way for a long time thankfully, but I suppose I just wonder if anyone else thinks about this at all.

You could call this a late night ramble. I just found myself in that magical loop today and asked myself a question.

“Who else does this?”

I figured a lot could relate. So I brought this to you.

Now I have one last thing to say. Despite my ramblings, I do have an answer to my question.

We all do this. To feel happy, to feel sad, to feel anger. To grow, and to see how far we’ve grown. To remember the ones that got us here, to mourn the ones who slipped away. It gives us the chance to be one with who we are now, and who we were then, and even who we will be. I regret a lot, I feel a lot and I miss a lot. I love a lot, I hate a lot and I’m indifferent to a lot. I’ll never be perfect, and that’s perfectly alright with me. I made my mistakes, and I’ll make more. I have friends and loved ones who accept me, and I accept them. I’m happy, and sometimes I like to feel the sadness. Because without it, I don’t think I’d know what the other thing felt like.

“All this feels strange and untrue, and I wont waste a minute without you”

Proving Grounds

To step into the ring of life is something forced upon everybody the day they’re born. To actually stand up and fight is something else entirely. That is a personal choice you come to on your own. Based upon early childhood experiences and your upbringing. It can be an uphill climb for some people, or the only option they have.

I personally feel as though I always had to have a bit of fight in me, yet it still took me time to really start swinging. Even now I catch myself relaxing, or slowing down, and have to correct that as I notice it. That isn’t to say that you cant take breaks or pause. It means different things to every person. To me, it means that I need to keep moving forward. There are things in all of our lives that can hold us back and keep us down, the point is to supersede those things and achieve.

That is not always something so simple as just “Getting up”. In those instances, its important to have a reason. Find your own reason and use that to push you. I have my own, which you can probably infer from the writing, or even my honest answers. The point I’m trying to make, is that life is a battle ground, and everyone has a part to play.

I feel like I’ve been raised to be strong, to fight and to win. Therefore I will. It’s still a struggle within, between my desire to rest and my need to fight. I hope I’m able to stoke the fire well enough to accomplish my goals. Although I suppose we all have to make concessions in the end. Here’s to hoping for fewer internal compromises and grander victories.

Life is an empty book as well, and each of us is a story teller, write something beautiful.