A Song to Cry To

This is my fourth attempt at writing this line. I think thats because I strongly dislike starting the conversation. Even here, by myself, to a potentially non-existent audience. Which is a very good point as well right? If there is no audience then why write. I am sure some of you are asking why I write these at all. Maybe I bore you, or maybe my writing is boorish. Either way. For those of you actually reading this, thank you. Oh, and I probably like you. Maybe a lot, or maybe only a little. Part of that is because you’re choosing to read this instead of something else which would probably be more rewarding.

Something I like to do a lot is make statements. I also love asking questions. However if any of you were to ask me whether or not I enjoy either of those you’ll probably get a response similar to “No, I don’t like either of those. Why?”.  Which is an entirely perfect example of who I am. At least at this exact moment or at least who I pretend to me. Its kind of fucked really. (Sorry mom, bad language is bad.)

The truth is, while I claim to dislike people, conversation and small talk. I actually like those things. Its probably some deep seated fear of abandonment or failure that prevents me from reaching out or actually participating. I’m trying though, and learning and growing (you know, grown up stuff). This really does feel kind of syrupy and sweet though doesn’t it? As if I’m writing some tell-all in the hopes that any one of you will relate and think that I’m interesting. Unless that comment is just me self-deprecating in the hopes of also relating and hooking you in because of some twisted fascination you may have with people who talk too much about feelings.

Regardless. There was a point to me starting this thing, and even a point to the title. If you bare with me I’m sure we will make it that far.

Okay.

I guess I just wanted to paint a picture. It’s sometimes thought of that crying is a sign of a weakness or sadness or any other thing that is anything other than beautiful. I disagree with that. A lot, and for specific reasons. As I’m sure a lot of you know, its an incredible release of emotional build up and can be extraordinarily therapeutic. Also, Its healthy. Whether you’re genuinely sad or not, its sometimes just the thing you need. I don’t necessarily mean that you should garner a habit for it and stock up on kleenex. Just that maybe if for some reason you feel a pull in that direction maybe you follow it.

I myself fight it, instinctually. Sometimes it seeps through and other times its bottled.  Either way, something I appreciate as I grow older (cliché, I know) is when you find a song that just splits your heart open and eases out those tears. I’m sure every one can relate to that. Thanks for listening, or reading I suppose.

Life is exactly what you make it. The only things truly in your control are your actions. and your reactions.

Sorry if I come off as pretentious. I promise that in life I’m more deer in the headlights and less modern day wanna be philosopher.

 

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Group/Activity_README

Being a part of a group is a magical experience. No matter what kind of group you’re in it’s an experience and it contains magic if you’re willing to look. And by that I definitely mean being the creepy guy at the end of the table who watches everyone else interact. It’s wholesome and fantastic! Always. It never fails. Unless you get engrossed in an interesting and captivating conversation, then you’re screwed. Or maybe then you’re actually participating. But isn’t that overrrated. I mean really, you could be watching the events unfold instead of actually being involved. Wait… that could be the anxiety talking. 

Hold on. My point makes sense. What I’m saying is that a group dynamic is intriguing. You have a varying collection of thoughts and personalities all colliding in a giant melting pot where we all contribute different aspects of our culture towards a larger gain. Right? Isn’t that what America was built on? Or maybe that’s too trumped up of a statement. My point still stands. When you have the opportunity to be present at a group event, you should do it. Worst case scenario you make a new friend or learn something new. 

As my dad always said “pour me another beer” but seriously, as my dad always said “pour me another beer”. So in the wise words of my father whom I love. 

Pour me another beer, kid. 

Also, I need to get back to my group event now. I’ve been very absent through writing his. 

Post_Vacation_Bliss.exe

I’ve never really taken a vacation before. I mean, not one that was longer than a weekend and in a country other then the one I live in. Not one that I can recall while I sit here and type this anyways. Which is fine, because I’d rather have gone on few amazing vacations instead of many mediocre ones. Which is just my way of justifying a lack of vacationing I suppose. Its like when people say that its not how many friends you have its the quality, they’re just ashamed that they aren’t likeable enough to have more friends (I’m joking). I think I jut never thought I really deserved to take a vacation because I never really felt like I worked that hard to have earned one. I don’t feel that way now. About the vacation I just took at least.

It was time anyways, my partner and I have been together almost four years and had never had a real vacation and after the last year of endless hard work we just went through it was hard earned and well deserved. I mean she works hard, very hard. I suppose I don’t like, save lives or anything, but a friend once told me that its all perspective. For instance, I serve coffee at my day job and do freelance writing in my nights. You could argue that with the coffee I provide, I am saving lives. That isn’t to say that I’m on the frontline of salvation armed with percolated glory and a sling of holy coffee beans. Though it is to say that maybe that old yarn about “Give me my coffee before I snap” could be true for someone on a specific morning and I’m the one postponing the breakdown. Either way.

I don’t actually believe that I save lives, but I do believe that I at times have the ability to make a difference in someones day. Even if I’m just a blip on the radar, which is okay with me believe me, I think I leave a mark. Now I want to clarify that I don’t mean leave a mark like a lasting legacy and they’ll tell stories of my wisdom at the campfire to the younglings before bed. Just that maybe they’ll smile and think for a second that the day isn’t bleak and the end is a little more distant seeming than the horizon (Which isn’t me saying the end is nigh, we’ve probably got another ten years at least, or twelve).

The strange thing about vacationing to me is that you leave your home, go somewhere new to you (or familiar) and you live like you would if you weren’t restrained by work or obligations. The reason why I find that strange is that if we really wanted to I think a lot of us could live like we want a little more frequently in the place that we do call home. Not to be little the vacationing aspect of life, I do love it dearly, I just think that we may idolize a concept that can be applied more directly to everyday life. I mean think about it, maybe your idea of a good time is to climb way up into the alps or ski down a mountain in the freezing cold at break neck dangerous speeds (I’m not a skier, can you tell?). Then of course you cant just do that on a whim because your day job felt extra boring on a Tuesday. Maybe though, we can do more of the little things daily that make us smile and keep us happy instead of postponing them for that big trip you’ve been planning for two years and haven’t saved up enough for yet. Just a thought.

Regardless of what works for you, you should do it. For me, a vacation seems to have worked at least a little bit. The inner monologues have slowed down to a reasonable pace and the hordes of people I share this world with don’t seem quite as intimidating as usual. Maybe now I can get back to being productive in a creative way more frequently. I mean I do love money (money money money) but I should spend more of my time doing the things I love. So without dragging this thing out into a rally or a Ted talk. Lets all raise a glass of whatever you’re drinking as you read this and toast to love, dreams and whatever it is that makes us tick (unless its illegal, then cut it out you cheeky monkey).

Also, one last thing, never gamble. Even when you win, you wind up losing. Unless you win big, like really big, then always gamble and always win.

 

Lethargy Breeds Complacency

Hello? Hello from the other side? Hey?

Hi. I suppose its my fault that I haven’t kept you posted in over a month. I also suppose its my fault that there hasn’t been anything new in the way of vlogs or music in maybe even longer… The reality is I have to be honest with you and say that I have been incredibly lazy. I don’t know what my excuse is, maybe its the winter season and the fact that it gets harder to stay motivated during the season. Maybe I could say that I have been uninspired and had a lack of motivation to truly create anything. Perhaps I could even convince you that I have been absolutely crazy busy with work and a social life…

The truth is as I have said before, lethargy has bred complacency and it has become very easy to just not participate in this thing that I have started. I know how it seems. I worked very hard for a full year, creating music, writing a book, posting vlogs and keeping this website up to date, and then I bailed out. That is pretty much how it seems and I get that. However, that isn’t the complete reality. I have been silently working on some things in the background. I’ve been working on freelance writing with pretty steady work the last few months, which does take a bit of my time up. I have also been toying with new ideas for new music. Also, I’ve been writing some short films.

This last one may seem different and new, but any of you that know me personally may know that film is where my heart does lay, no matter how far from that I may truly stand at this moment. I want to create films, and I want to express visions. I have been working on that for the past while as well. I acknolwedge that I have been away from here for too long however, and I will do my best to keep updates rolling in. As well, I would like to share something special soon. Whether it be a new vlog, a new song, or even a new story. I want to make sure that I stay motivated. I need to shake off this laziness and be proactive again, so hopefully this is a return to form.

Lastly, to expose myself with a bit more honesty. I constantly struggle with how I may come across. Whether it be in my videos or my songs or even these posts. I worry that the messages I want to get across will be lost in translation, and I’ll come across as disingenuous. I hope that isn’t the case, but I guess that shouldn’t be a fear that guides me. I can’t help though and look at the artists that I respect most and wonder how they do things without fear and come out on top. Then I think that they must have fear, but if they do, it doesn’t come across.

I’ll try to work on that and while I do, I appreciate your understanding and patience.

Thank you.

Proving Grounds

To step into the ring of life is something forced upon everybody the day they’re born. To actually stand up and fight is something else entirely. That is a personal choice you come to on your own. Based upon early childhood experiences and your upbringing. It can be an uphill climb for some people, or the only option they have.

I personally feel as though I always had to have a bit of fight in me, yet it still took me time to really start swinging. Even now I catch myself relaxing, or slowing down, and have to correct that as I notice it. That isn’t to say that you cant take breaks or pause. It means different things to every person. To me, it means that I need to keep moving forward. There are things in all of our lives that can hold us back and keep us down, the point is to supersede those things and achieve.

That is not always something so simple as just “Getting up”. In those instances, its important to have a reason. Find your own reason and use that to push you. I have my own, which you can probably infer from the writing, or even my honest answers. The point I’m trying to make, is that life is a battle ground, and everyone has a part to play.

I feel like I’ve been raised to be strong, to fight and to win. Therefore I will. It’s still a struggle within, between my desire to rest and my need to fight. I hope I’m able to stoke the fire well enough to accomplish my goals. Although I suppose we all have to make concessions in the end. Here’s to hoping for fewer internal compromises and grander victories.

Life is an empty book as well, and each of us is a story teller, write something beautiful.

Depart From Me

For tonight I thought I could share something a little different with you guys. As I sit here writing out chapter 4 of The Gathering. I found myself distracted going through and deleting a lot of old Instagram posts, from before I even knew how to use it correctly (I still don’t use it correctly). While I was doing this however I came across a poem I wrote back in July of 2013 that I really liked. I re-read it now and still like it, so I figure that means it might actually be of quality. With that being said I hope you guys like it, and maybe find some inspirations from it.

Here goes.

Depart From Me
Like lines you cross, 
Like vines across.
Tangled and unmentionable 
Shielded from the day, 
A sign to many
Which means to say
I never planned to stay.