A Song to Cry To

This is my fourth attempt at writing this line. I think thats because I strongly dislike starting the conversation. Even here, by myself, to a potentially non-existent audience. Which is a very good point as well right? If there is no audience then why write. I am sure some of you are asking why I write these at all. Maybe I bore you, or maybe my writing is boorish. Either way. For those of you actually reading this, thank you. Oh, and I probably like you. Maybe a lot, or maybe only a little. Part of that is because you’re choosing to read this instead of something else which would probably be more rewarding.

Something I like to do a lot is make statements. I also love asking questions. However if any of you were to ask me whether or not I enjoy either of those you’ll probably get a response similar to “No, I don’t like either of those. Why?”.  Which is an entirely perfect example of who I am. At least at this exact moment or at least who I pretend to me. Its kind of fucked really. (Sorry mom, bad language is bad.)

The truth is, while I claim to dislike people, conversation and small talk. I actually like those things. Its probably some deep seated fear of abandonment or failure that prevents me from reaching out or actually participating. I’m trying though, and learning and growing (you know, grown up stuff). This really does feel kind of syrupy and sweet though doesn’t it? As if I’m writing some tell-all in the hopes that any one of you will relate and think that I’m interesting. Unless that comment is just me self-deprecating in the hopes of also relating and hooking you in because of some twisted fascination you may have with people who talk too much about feelings.

Regardless. There was a point to me starting this thing, and even a point to the title. If you bare with me I’m sure we will make it that far.

Okay.

I guess I just wanted to paint a picture. It’s sometimes thought of that crying is a sign of a weakness or sadness or any other thing that is anything other than beautiful. I disagree with that. A lot, and for specific reasons. As I’m sure a lot of you know, its an incredible release of emotional build up and can be extraordinarily therapeutic. Also, Its healthy. Whether you’re genuinely sad or not, its sometimes just the thing you need. I don’t necessarily mean that you should garner a habit for it and stock up on kleenex. Just that maybe if for some reason you feel a pull in that direction maybe you follow it.

I myself fight it, instinctually. Sometimes it seeps through and other times its bottled.  Either way, something I appreciate as I grow older (cliché, I know) is when you find a song that just splits your heart open and eases out those tears. I’m sure every one can relate to that. Thanks for listening, or reading I suppose.

Life is exactly what you make it. The only things truly in your control are your actions. and your reactions.

Sorry if I come off as pretentious. I promise that in life I’m more deer in the headlights and less modern day wanna be philosopher.

 

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Strange and Untrue

Do you ever put on a sad song just to feel the melancholy vibe through you? Replay an episode of your favourite television show that you know will make you cry? Reminisce about long lost friends or loved ones? I think we all do this. In one varying way or another. In an effort to feel something we maybe think is farther away than it actually is. For instance, if life is great and purely happy, then sometimes we just want to feel sad. I think its a natural way for someone to remind themselves that they are human.

I think what I’m really trying to get at though, is that I thought there was something wrong with me for a long time. I used to think it was an error in my code that made me want to feel sad, and to be fair for a long time it wasn’t in a healthy way. Now as an adult however; its a good thing to let your emotions run free. Within reason obviously.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. I want to get to the real core of the issue here. At what point does this melancholy reflection become a problem? I guess I mean that in personal experience I have let it negatively affect my life before and impact loved ones. It hasn’t been that way for a long time thankfully, but I suppose I just wonder if anyone else thinks about this at all.

You could call this a late night ramble. I just found myself in that magical loop today and asked myself a question.

“Who else does this?”

I figured a lot could relate. So I brought this to you.

Now I have one last thing to say. Despite my ramblings, I do have an answer to my question.

We all do this. To feel happy, to feel sad, to feel anger. To grow, and to see how far we’ve grown. To remember the ones that got us here, to mourn the ones who slipped away. It gives us the chance to be one with who we are now, and who we were then, and even who we will be. I regret a lot, I feel a lot and I miss a lot. I love a lot, I hate a lot and I’m indifferent to a lot. I’ll never be perfect, and that’s perfectly alright with me. I made my mistakes, and I’ll make more. I have friends and loved ones who accept me, and I accept them. I’m happy, and sometimes I like to feel the sadness. Because without it, I don’t think I’d know what the other thing felt like.

“All this feels strange and untrue, and I wont waste a minute without you”

Depart From Me

For tonight I thought I could share something a little different with you guys. As I sit here writing out chapter 4 of The Gathering. I found myself distracted going through and deleting a lot of old Instagram posts, from before I even knew how to use it correctly (I still don’t use it correctly). While I was doing this however I came across a poem I wrote back in July of 2013 that I really liked. I re-read it now and still like it, so I figure that means it might actually be of quality. With that being said I hope you guys like it, and maybe find some inspirations from it.

Here goes.

Depart From Me
Like lines you cross, 
Like vines across.
Tangled and unmentionable 
Shielded from the day, 
A sign to many
Which means to say
I never planned to stay.